Friday, February 10, 2012

The Naked CrossFitter Solves Problems

because you should never wear a shirt, even when you're doing burpees in snow

There's a lot going on in CrossFit these days.  The Games season is about to start, there's some sort of legal battle starting up over who owns Fight Gone Bad, and OchoCinco and Annie T show off the next $100 you'll spend on CrossFit gear.  Even worse, Yahoo is publishing old, poorly written articles on "The Cult of CrossFit" while pretending we should care what a self proclaimed "accidental sexpert" has to say about anything.

That said, there's definitely a lot of things that are just plain old getting fucked up, and since I'm not just here to take a dump on everything and everyone who's not nearly as good as me, I'll offer up my help.  Don't worry, I solve problems like I crush WODs: fucking easily.

The Level 1 Certification machine

Every Monday, uploads pictures of hundreds of people who just completed their Level 1 Cert and are now legally allowed to teach CrossFit and even open their own gyms.  It seems like CrossFit HQ made a conscious decision to differentiate themselves from the rest of the fitness industry by allowing anyone with $1,000 to call themselves a certified trainer.  That's like saying the Secret Decoder Ring in your box of Paleo Cracker Jacks actually made you a member of some fraternity of's a shocker: if everyone gets into your group of badass muhfuckas, then no one in the group is actually a badass muhfucka.

Here's the solution: make the certification actually mean something.  Instead of diluting the brand every week, perhaps you should add to its value ever week.  How?  I dunno, maybe make the certification longer than a weekend, or add in an apprenticeship with someone who actually knows what they're doing, or even have some sort of requirement to show that you can actually communicate with another human being before saying you're a "certified coach".

Cannibalistic business practices

Before I start here, I've just gotta say that "Canniballistic" would be a fucking great name for a metal album.

CrossFit HQ seems to love pitting the affiliates against each other.  Any time Glassman is asked about quality control, he spouts off the same nonsense: "the cream will rise to the top", "the shitty gyms will just hurt everyone", and "you dumb affiliates will get to fight it out for my entertainment".  He's right about one thing...the best affiliates will certainly be successful, but with absolutely no fucking help from the affiliate that's encouraged to open up a couple blocks from know the one: the owner was a member at another local affiliate who looked around and thought "this shit is really easy, I just say that I do CrossFit classes and a whole mess of people will pay me monthly to come to my classes" so he secretly went and got certified, affiliated, leased a ridiculous location laughably close, and is charging $17 a month for unlimited classes.

On second thought, this definitely helps out the better affiliates because all the poor souls who stumble into those gyms thinking CrossFit gyms are all the same, and CrossFit trainers are all the same will eventually end up at the better gym for a drop in class; they won't believe their eyes and ears when they find themselves in a class that only has 9 other people instead of 34 other people, or when they're actually properly instructed on how to do a clean, or when the coach actually has something useful to tell them when they ask questions.  Keep up the shitty work, shitty gyms!

The stupid escalation of workouts

Tony Budding has already told us that has no purpose when it writes workouts.  As far as they can tell, the same workout can take anywhere from 3 minutes to an hour and it doesn't matter at all because, fuck it, we're all alone in the universe anyway.  Here's a suggestion: let's stop the escalation of WODs into world destroying tests of pain thresholds and turn them into what they're meant to be: training workouts.

CrossFit HQ has blurred the line between training and testing so much that there's a whole new group of CrossFitters who don't know what it's like when they do a well programmed workout instead of a poorly programmed soul crusher.  Even worse, they've got no sense of how accessible CrossFit can be to everyone because of idiot workouts like this.  You know what the "official" scaling is for rope climbs?  Towel pullups.  Specifically, 1 towel pullup for every foot of rope climb.  so a workout with 15 15' rope climbs would require 225 towel pullups.  That sounds really fucking reasonable to me.  

Remember the days when the CrossFit Games were really cool, but weren't the entire focus of everyone everywhere?  Remember when we'd have only one workout a day?  Or when people used CrossFit as a training methodology to make their lives better?  Let's go back to when CrossFit made sense and it was less about this and more about improving quality of life...and chicks in lulu shorts...let's definitely keep that around.


  1. Dude, your best post yet. Keep up the good work. It would be great if not just any asshole could get a level 1, HQ did at least some type of quality control on affiliates and mainpage workouts were not retarded.

  2. So what is a Newbie supposed to do??? I don't have a box withing 90 miles of me...after following you for a couple weeks it is sounding like that actually may be a plus....Any resorses you can point me to? I want to do this the right way.

    1. Cole, check out OPTs Big Dawgs blog. Read this: and then follow whatever group best suits your goals. Hope that helps and that The Naked CrossFitter doesn't care I linked that site.

  3. You keep getting better and better at this and really what is the point of a sledgehammer strike?

  4. OPT blog is legit...follow that Mr. Newbie.

  5. Thank you, I love your blog and I have noticed the same crap. I really don't like to see where CF is going nowadays. Plus the WOD at-times does not even make sense in terms of proper programming (you are right again). I see on the CF forums people trash-talking Mark Twight at Gym Jones allot, even though he, in a nutshell, co-founded this stuff with Glassman (correct me if I am wrong). Shit, at-least Gym Jones has a damn soul and more of a purpose. Want to be a certified affiliate with them? Get ready for a long road, and if they don't even like you, guess what, you are not getting it. That is the beauty of it, it is something hard-earned. Not just a seminar that I could easily shit 1k to attend, listen to some wind-bag lecture me on CF and offer me the cool-aid, and send me to recruit more cultists.

    I think that CF needs to get over itself and look to GJ as an example now.

  6. Your website makes my soul smile

  7. i love this. im going for level 1 cert in 2 months and reading this made me feel like a piece of shit. i hope i dont get lumped in with those other fucking martians

  8. The cream Will rise to the top and when CrossFit has lost it's soul completely and the army wearing bright yellow Rebok shoes and $100 hoods wake up, someone else will have come along to create a fitness program that makes sense, stays down to earth and only allows truly qualified individuals to coach….It's an opportunity in the making.

  9. I'd post my loads and times for the idiot workout, but neither the universe nor the Internet give a fuck

  10. I don't want to go to your fucking BBQ! Fuck your whiteboard too!

  11. Best post yet. Dude, I've been saying everything you said in the last section for a while now. I wish everyone would read this. You're right, there's a whole new group of CrossFitters who have no idea about old school CF. Lets bring back old school CF before HQ sold out. That's the CrossFit we all fell in love with.

  12. I largely agree with your criticism of the certification process, but at the same time don't believe that a longer process, and better testing guarantees a better product. Here's why: I went to law school and 1/3 of my class was, well, stupid. And, 3 years of schooling, and a 3 day bar exam, did not guarantee the quality of the product. There are many, many incompetent, unintelligent, deceitful lawyers out there. I'd say that maybe 1/3 I encounter are competent.