|because you should never wear a shirt, even when you're doing burpees in snow|
There's a lot going on in CrossFit these days. The Games season is about to start, there's some sort of legal battle starting up over who owns Fight Gone Bad, and OchoCinco and Annie T show off the next $100 you'll spend on CrossFit gear. Even worse, Yahoo is publishing old, poorly written articles on "The Cult of CrossFit" while pretending we should care what a self proclaimed "accidental sexpert" has to say about anything.
That said, there's definitely a lot of things that are just plain old getting fucked up, and since I'm not just here to take a dump on everything and everyone who's not nearly as good as me, I'll offer up my help. Don't worry, I solve problems like I crush WODs: fucking easily.
The Level 1 Certification machine
Every Monday, CrossFit.com uploads pictures of hundreds of people who just completed their Level 1 Cert and are now legally allowed to teach CrossFit and even open their own gyms. It seems like CrossFit HQ made a conscious decision to differentiate themselves from the rest of the fitness industry by allowing anyone with $1,000 to call themselves a certified trainer. That's like saying the Secret Decoder Ring in your box of Paleo Cracker Jacks actually made you a member of some fraternity of badasses...here's a shocker: if everyone gets into your group of badass muhfuckas, then no one in the group is actually a badass muhfucka.
Here's the solution: make the certification actually mean something. Instead of diluting the brand every week, perhaps you should add to its value ever week. How? I dunno, maybe make the certification longer than a weekend, or add in an apprenticeship with someone who actually knows what they're doing, or even have some sort of requirement to show that you can actually communicate with another human being before saying you're a "certified coach".
Cannibalistic business practices
Before I start here, I've just gotta say that "Canniballistic" would be a fucking great name for a metal album.
CrossFit HQ seems to love pitting the affiliates against each other. Any time Glassman is asked about quality control, he spouts off the same nonsense: "the cream will rise to the top", "the shitty gyms will just hurt everyone", and "you dumb affiliates will get to fight it out for my entertainment". He's right about one thing...the best affiliates will certainly be successful, but with absolutely no fucking help from the affiliate that's encouraged to open up a couple blocks from you...you know the one: the owner was a member at another local affiliate who looked around and thought "this shit is really easy, I just say that I do CrossFit classes and a whole mess of people will pay me monthly to come to my classes" so he secretly went and got certified, affiliated, leased a ridiculous location laughably close, and is charging $17 a month for unlimited classes.
On second thought, this definitely helps out the better affiliates because all the poor souls who stumble into those gyms thinking CrossFit gyms are all the same, and CrossFit trainers are all the same will eventually end up at the better gym for a drop in class; they won't believe their eyes and ears when they find themselves in a class that only has 9 other people instead of 34 other people, or when they're actually properly instructed on how to do a clean, or when the coach actually has something useful to tell them when they ask questions. Keep up the shitty work, shitty gyms!
The stupid escalation of workouts
Tony Budding has already told us that CrossFit.com has no purpose when it writes workouts. As far as they can tell, the same workout can take anywhere from 3 minutes to an hour and it doesn't matter at all because, fuck it, we're all alone in the universe anyway. Here's a suggestion: let's stop the escalation of WODs into world destroying tests of pain thresholds and turn them into what they're meant to be: training workouts.
CrossFit HQ has blurred the line between training and testing so much that there's a whole new group of CrossFitters who don't know what it's like when they do a well programmed workout instead of a poorly programmed soul crusher. Even worse, they've got no sense of how accessible CrossFit can be to everyone because of idiot workouts like this. You know what the "official" scaling is for rope climbs? Towel pullups. Specifically, 1 towel pullup for every foot of rope climb. so a workout with 15 15' rope climbs would require 225 towel pullups. That sounds really fucking reasonable to me.
Remember the days when the CrossFit Games were really cool, but weren't the entire focus of everyone everywhere? Remember when we'd have only one workout a day? Or when people used CrossFit as a training methodology to make their lives better? Let's go back to when CrossFit made sense and it was less about this and more about improving quality of life...and chicks in lulu shorts...let's definitely keep that around.