Friday, December 16, 2011

How to Spot a Firebreather

"Firebreather".  CrossFitters throw this term around a lot.  Did some d-bag at your box squat 300 lbs?  What a Firebreather!  Did your girlfriend swing a 16 kg kettlebell for the first time?  Damn, girl, you's a Firebreather!  Maybe you know someone who's met someone with a 4 minute Fran?  Dude's a Firebreather, through and through.  Much like "Elite Fitness", "Firebreather" is turning into a useless phrase because it's being thrown around so much.  Truth is, there aren't very many true blue Firebreathers out there.  I won't explicitly tell you what it takes to be a Firebreather, because then this would happen.  Instead, here's a quick guide on how to spot a Firebreather in their natural habitats.

They Blend In...

Whether they're at the gym or at Whole Foods, a true Firebreather blends in.  Sure, there are exceptions (see Jason Khalipa), but most Firebreathers are actually kind of boring.  I mean, I love Graham, but the guy isn't exactly exciting.  He's a badass, he's crazy fit, and he's just a normal, everyday guy.  Look at it this way: people walk by Graham every day of his life and never wonder if he's a professional athlete.  When's the last time you stood next to a tall, huge black guy and didn't try to figure out which NFL team he's on?

...Unless They're Lady Firebreathers...

Then it's kind of obvious.  Lady Firebreathers are mostly really jacked and quite obviously in crazy good shape.  You see them and you know they can easily pick you up and they can definitely do more pull ups than you can.  When you see a chick and think to yourself "damn, I wish I had shoulders like those", you're either looking at a "woman" who's got more testosterone than you (and that's a really obvious one [Editor's note: I want you to realize that this chick is white and yet has dyed her body black.  Bodybuilding is definitely healthy and wonderful.]) or you're looking at a badass Lady Firebreather who's merely stronger, faster, and in better shape than you.

...Or They're Assholes.

So Firebreathers can be either boring, female, or assholes.  The third category is full of dudes like Ronnie Teasdale, who has definitely softened up and stopped being as crazy as he's been over the past couple years, and of course Jarett "JP" "Ninja" Perelmutter.  JP's is a special breed of...something.  He's a fan of both the weight vest and the gasmask at the same time.  He crushed the Open this past year (placed 10th in the world) and then was absolutely embarrassed at the Regionals for some reason (My guess is real judges from outside his gym, but what do I know?  No one in CrossFit would ever cheat, right?).

I was going to make a joke about this, but holy shit, weight vests for dogs are actually real.

I don't usually do this, but shout out to Drywall for taking some time away from trying to sell people bullshit products and writing something that scratches the surface of meaningful.  Thanks, buddy.


  1. doesn't look like many people follow your blog, you are all over the place and cant edit for shit and your attempts at humor are nothing short of pathetic. dude, you are not funny. You attempt to slander a company that donates more money to military charities than all other CF based companies combined. the navy SEAL foundation, the semper fi foundation, wounded wear, to name a few. you call kill cliff an energy drink when in fact it has a whopping 25 mg of caffeine. what's your deal? you dont know us and dont know anything about our product. you call it a bullshit product and you call us douche bags we sent $10,000 to the frogman swim in tampa 2 weeks ago to support the navy SEAL foundation. we raised $107,000 this year alone for the Navy SEAL Foundation. what have you ever done armen? ever done anything to help out the troops armen? ever donated every single penny your company made in a calendar year to military charities? well that is what we did at Kill CLiff in 2011 Armen. so before you go running your mouth about us i suggest you take the above into consideration and shut your fucking mouth or you can be an unpatriotic piece of shit and keep running it.

  2. Ooooohhhhh...sand in the vagina?

    I'm not sure if you noticed but there is a self-proclamation of "asshole" right at the top of this blog. So you probably shouldn't be getting your panties in a bunch over this. I do want to go on record with a few things.

    1.) Kill Cliff is totally lame! I'm not begrudging you the right or opportunity to make money. Fuck, go for it. For the most part though, you are tapping into a saturated market with a customer base of...questionable intellect. (wow...that was so PC of me)

    2.) I don't think Armen's patriotism is at issue here. Again, he claims asshole. So what is your point. While I'm at it...that is just stupid (it is actually called ad hominem) you attack his character instead of his point. You rally around how much you've given in support...blah blah blah. Now, I think that's fine, but hardly the point, and it sure doesn't make you a "better" person, or somehow more patriotic.

    3.) Honey badger don't give a shit. And neither does Phil Knight. There is this concept in business that you haven't made it until people start talking shit. So just chill the fuck out and realize that you are actually getting mentioned. Nike has a lot of people that hate them, and guess what? Phil Knight sleeps just fine, and he sure wouldn't be caught posting some lame ass response to a blogger who bad mouths his shit.

    So go wipe your vagina and keep drinkin your frosty beverages.

  3. Extremely enjoyable blog. I'll be back!