Friday, July 1, 2011

My CrossFit Crushes

Crushes are like goats: everyone's got them, but no one is really willing to admit them (by "goats", I'm referring to holes in our game as CrossFitters, not the animal.  That would be really ridiculous to assume everyone has a secret goat hanging around their apartment).  Luckily for you, I'm shameless, kinda funny, and totally anonym..oh, wait.  

This isn't gonna degenerate into a high school gossip session or a college hotness competition.  I'm gonna keep this shit classy…so classy you'll want to mail me your panties.  Let's get started.

My "holy crap you're really strong" crush: Lindsey Valenzuela

getting ready to outlift 84% of CrossFit dudes

Lindsey Valenzuela is freakin' strong.  Let me put this in perspective: I can comfortably say I'm stronger than the average CrossFit douchebag (and better looking, ladies) and I'm pretty sure LV is nearly as strong as I am.  That makes her more of a badass than most CF dudes and way ahead of the game when it comes to chicks.  

But that's not what makes Lindsey Valensexy so Valensweet.  She's human.  At the SoCal Regionals, she missed a thruster on a foot fault, but still got it up while making it look unbelievably easy.  After workouts, she'll be the first to tell you that it was fucking HARD.  No posturing, no fakeness.  Just pure, awesome down-to-earth-itude.  It doesn't hurt that she's good lookin either. 

My "you're pretty inspirational" crush: Ingrid Kantola

she even has an elite sense of style..

This past week, I was trying to find the mailing address for the city of Santa Monica and failed miserably.  Websites wouldn't load, phone calls wouldn't go through…I was a mess.  That one, small, insignificant occurrence in my day pretty much ruined my afternoon.  I was pissed for hours after that (luckily I work in Heaven and my mood very quickly changed).  The point is that a small hurdle like that can derail me for hours.

Ingrid went from crushing the 2010 SoCal Sectionals (first place in every event) to having open heart surgery in the span of two months.  How's that for a small hurdle?  Ingrid shrugged it off.  She lost a bunch of weight, couldn't work out for months, and two weeks ago placed 6th in the South Central Region.  Needless to say, she's recovered and is destroying competitions.  She's on this list because she went from being unable to walk up more than 2 flights of stairs to crushing Amanda more than a minute faster than 2nd place.  It also doesn't hurt that she's pretty cute.

M "good looking smile" crush: Stacie Tovar

seriously, look at that smile.

I think the title here says it all.  Stacie Tovar has a great smile (I don't know about you but I'm pretty wrecked after one hard workout, and this picture was taken after 6 of them…go Stacie!) and is like a cooler, more American version of a certain French Canadian chick that isn't included on this list (you can't have a crush on your wife, silly [note: please don't break me in half, Dave Lipson]).  

Wanna know the coolest thing about Stacie Tovar?  She's just like you and me and started this whole CrossFit thing to get in better shape.  You can clearly see in this picture she went from being really good looking to really really good looking.  Also, ladies, Stacie is proof that CrossFit doesn't make you huge and bulky.  Boom!

My "really, you're 51?" crush: Laurie Carver

no,'re 51?

Here's a cliche for you: Laurie Carver is like fine wine…she gets better with age.  Here's something better for ya: Laurie Carver is not only more fit than most of us will ever be, but is also way better looking.  

In her early 50s, Laurie looks like she's in her early 30s and WODs like she's in her early 20s.  I would say that I wanna be like Laurie Carver when I grow up, but honestly I just want my woman to be like Laurie Carver when she's her age.

I'd say the coolest thing about Laurie (outside of her sweet looks) is that fact that she's probably going to be the first person to have a back-to-back repeat win at the CrossFit Games.  Doesn't get much cooler than that.

My "Xenia Onatopp" crush: Katie Hogan

she's so badass, the world loses color when she works out

Katie Hogan is a strong competitor and great looking girl out of Southern California.  Most importantly, she looks like she can crush you to death with her thighs (much like Xena Onatopp from Goldeneye).  Ladies, this is a great look and is definitely something to aspire for.  

This may seem weird, but one of my favorite things about Katie is her ponytail.  She rocks that shit so hard and so consistently.  I couldn't find a single picture of her competing or working out without that ponytail.  It's like her calling card: "Oh shit, Katie is wrappin' up her hair…she's ready to bring it".

Don't be afraid of lifting weights because it may mean that one day, you'll end up in a Thruster off against another one of my crushes...and that's never a bad thing.

All that aside, a special shout out goes out to all the rest of you CrossFit ladies I can't mention here.  You're all beautiful in my mind, but if you wanna prove it feel free to tweet your crazy CrossFit pics @ArmenTheHammer or put it up on my Facebook fan page.  

Next time: The Next Generation of CrossFit Sponsorships


  1. Congratulations, you officially nailed it. All awesome, super hot woman. Personally, I have had a HUGE crush on Stacie since last years games. By the way most perfect butt ever! Curious though, what about Super sexy sauce, Becca Voigt? After all, isn't she the one out there after every WOD she murders, cheering on every one of her fellow competitors. Just a thought.

  2. These ladies make me want to push myself harder! They are so damn inspirational and fine examples of strong, powerful, driven women that kick A LOT of ass! Nice post A!

  3. Love it armen... as always it makes me smile!

  4. Gotta include Camille & after this weeks Games...Julie Foucher (why haven't we seen her before) Anyway, love this blog. Your insight & what you write is sh!t I've been telling my friends for years. Keep it up!